ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
