I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
