dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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