Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
