The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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