I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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