Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
