I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
