Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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