I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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