I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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