Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
