I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
