he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
