textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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