cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
