We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
