Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
