I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
