I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
