There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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