It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
