Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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