saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
