I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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