Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
