you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
