dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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