He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
