Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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