I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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