do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize