"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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