my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it because I queefed?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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