hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
