I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
