It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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