Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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