I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
