yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This toilet bowl is my home.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
