i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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