I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
