matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
