my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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