i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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