it was like his penis was on wheels.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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