dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
