"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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