I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
