i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
