he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
