Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
