fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
