Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
