i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
