i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
