Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
