Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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